Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s