Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Can’t, holding a grudge
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?