Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.


Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button


Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today


At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.


Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.


Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap


Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.


* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking


*watching The Revenant*


Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.