@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

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@Ideal_Victoria

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@waxmittert

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

@SoozUK

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

@Cornjerker78

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@Tmoney68

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@jctwritesstuff

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.