Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
🤣
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*