Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*watching The Revenant*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS