Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.