Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!