Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

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I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.


(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!


Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.


My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison


Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you


Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class