@iAmDelFreaky I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
@benedictsred Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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@iAmDelFreaky 
@greek_heanen (Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
@dsmitty_62 Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
@skitzoette Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
@NotKarma My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
@DancesWithTamis Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
@FunnyViness I think this cat is broken
@audipenny Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
@FloodyHippie Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
@robyn_vo Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class