@benedictsred

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

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@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@greek_heanen

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

@dsmitty_62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

@skitzoette

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

@NotKarma

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class