me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Oops
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse