Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
🤣🤣
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.