Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.