Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.


As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.


Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis


Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?


When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.


Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.


If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.


The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.