Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Every house has this drawer
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
sliding into dms like
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
