Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day