ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Mistakes were made
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Art by Pastelkatto
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
adam and eve had first world problems
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.