ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Money is the root of all wealth
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.