ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.