Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying