Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?


I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.


I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.


Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.


It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁


Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!


*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*


“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis


I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.


Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.