@thedad

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

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@SheMightHave

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@gbergan

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

@AmishSuperModel

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

@Rollmaninoz

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

@Fred_Delicious

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

@huntigula

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.