Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You Might Also Like
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?