Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Thursday
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Beware of the dog..
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh