me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.