Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment