ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!