Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
yeet
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’