Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!