ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
had to share :’)
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?