Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”