me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.