Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*