Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground