ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Admin smashed it 😂
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.