Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Kids: Stay in school.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.