[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”