Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
mariah carrie
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian