Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
smartest karate player in the world
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.