@sonictyrant

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

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@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@blade_funner

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

@vineyille

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

@WayHinthesky

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]