ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze