Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?