me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.