Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.