@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

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@simoncholland

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

@Six_Pack_Mom

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@rusty_coach

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

@DanMentos

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

@aaronflarin

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

@LadyBroseph

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

@_wangwe

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.