Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.


“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.


me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!


*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*


Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”


My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.


[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right


me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this


Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.


Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.