Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Meow
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here