Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.