ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
i now pronounce you bounced.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.