Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

ACED my prostate exam!

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Why font matters.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it