Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.