Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.