me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Great Canadian literature.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.