Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You Might Also Like
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.