me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Breaking news:
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree