Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
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Donkey Kong sommelier
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6