Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Children of the corn 🌽
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.