Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ