Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.