Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA


Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?


Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?


My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.


Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal


Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls


Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.


[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM