me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“just sayin” who asked you though?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that