ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality