Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
cyclists
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
You can’t outrun your problems…
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.